Always something there to remind me. 

No idea what happened to this one but alas here it is again.

Today is the day we got our calendar.  Waiting in the room to go back so I can have my USI done and go over everything with the doctor.  The nurse asked the couple in front of us if they are ready to see their baby(ies).  It will be their first visual of their little one.  My heart flutters and I instantly want to run and cry.  I remember that day, that feeling, that never-ending smile.  She’s reading a book about pregnancy.  The joy, the glow the never ending happiness.   That will forever be lost for us in a guarded world until we see that first heartbeat and hold our babies.  I want to mumble a congratulations but I feel myself choking up and I never get it out.  Infertility is a bitch and there is nothing more to say about it than that.  It does not discriminate it does not give s damn how good of a person you may be, how amazing you may be as a parent, it strikes out of nowhere and takes you down, breaks you.

So on to the USI (ultrasound sonohysterograph) procedure.  Once I was ready, the doctor came in and tried to put the usual catheter they use for the procedure my cervix was not cooperating.  I have cysts on my cervix, most women do.  However, one of my cysts is so large the doctor commented about the size of it and bonus, it was blocking the entry to my damn uterus for the catheter to inject the saline solution.  So they switch over to the catheter they use for the actual transfer which has a smaller diameter.  This one went right in.  Quick and over, no fibroids or other concerns to worry about so we’re good to go for our transfer prep.  I’ve never been tested for autoimmune issues or the MTHFR mutation (I’ve asked in the past but since I hadn’t been pregnant all was pushed off to be MFI and not my problem-most likely), I asked again and I go in for that testing Monday.  Hopefully it comes back clear and I’m good.  If not at least we’ll know what we need to do to combat any issues I may have (if any). No matter what we’ll feel better checking that off the list.  Unfortunately it will be around another freaking grand.  Absolute bullshit that NOTHING is covered.  We’ll do anything we can to make sure that we make it to our end goal and I don’t want to (can’t handle) another miscarriage especially if it was an autoimmune issue we didn’t test for. There are many, many things science is good for, this is definitely one of them. These babies are a gift to us and we are lucky to have the opportunity to love them.  Doing the math, my blood test will be on or the day after the due date of my miscarriage. We have a hearing at work scheduled right after we get our blood test done.  Good thing is, these hearings are pretty interesting and I can’t wander around as much as I usually do so resting will be easy.  Dinner and cleaning will be the difficult part, but I’ll just put the crockpot and husband to work (love you, babe!).  I’ll have to arrive at work a little early which will be rough considering I know how tired I was last time, but I can make anything work.  That’s how we roll.  If I get time I’ll work on getting those other blog posts up, I have around 15 to go (I think).  Work has been busy lately, good busy but busy.  Bonus today, I did get to play with 9 month old twins and hopefully I can make it to play with more twins this weekend.

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Let’s get this party started!

I’m ready to get this show on the road. I began Leupron injections Monday.  I had my scratch test on Tuesday.  I don’t know if my uterus is extra sensitive or what the deal is, but it does not like this test.  I take Tylenol before I go in and it doesn’t put a dent in the pain.  Because I cramp up so bad after and it lingers for the day I took the rest of the day off.  I was able to play with the twins.  It’s crazy to think they’re 3 months, and that next year I’ll be holding my own.  💕I received my APA, NK and MTHFR results and all are negative!  That is some of the best news we’ve received in this entire process.  It was getting a little hairy for a bit waiting on the NK results.  They were supposed to be in before the APA panel, but they ended up coming in at the same time as the MTHFR results (twice the amount of time the website states).  With endo, I was most likely to come back with the NK cells activated.  So it’s official that I have done all I could do to not be the problem.  My last birth control was Wednesday and I know my body was ready for that.  Mentally I’m ready to move forward.  I didn’t figure it would take long for period day 1, and I was right. She’s here only 1.5 days after stopping the pill.  Now for my official calendar.   July 29th I’ll start the estrogens with 2 u/s and blood work before the transfer July 17th.  That lines up my official blood test for July 27th, which was my due date for my miscarriage.  I feel so good about this, so many good things are happening, so much love to give.  My friend who has donated these babies to us had her transfer exactly 11 months prior.  I call her schedule the “good luck schedule” and I’m following in her footsteps.  

From the IVF Emoji app. Where was this when we started this process?!

In other news.  We had a mild tropical storm come through, unfortunately I know farther east it had much more rain then we had and I hate that for them, but we didn’t need it.  I had some panicked friends who flooded in August and I don’t blame them with drainage being blocked still due to overwhelmed public services as well as difficulty getting to some of the blockages, and just regular PTSD when the heavy rains come down.  I understand.  No matter how much logic you tell yourself if you’ve been through something like that it wears on you and can give you fears.  My older dog (Ryker) has not been acting near as nutty, well at least not until this past Sunday.  I was at the neighbor’s with him and a storm brewed up pretty quickly and it was a noisy one.  By the end of it, he was on my lap with his head buried.  His brother always tries to make him feel better which usually ends up making it worse, thankfully he was distracted by my neighbors’ dog.  They have a tree over their house so I’m not sure if that is why he was acting like a nut or if he’ll be a chicken for life (understood, we did have a tree crash through our house during a storm).  But they are so sweet!

Replay…

I’m not sure how to go about transitioning all of my previous blog posts over to this site.  There is a lot of information, a lot of heartbreak and an overwhelming amount of frustration there, all pertinent to where we are today.   The easiest way would be to just copy and paste over with an introduction.  I will probably start that this week, so watch for those.  

It is Mother’s Day.  The day every infertile dreads, the day that reminds us what we don’t have year after year after year.  If you are estranged from your own mom it makes it worse.  This year I have done my best to keep my hopes high.  This year was supposed to be different.  I was supposed to be holding a child (first due date was to be January 10, 2017) or at the very least be in my 2nd transfer (November 8 transfer ending in a miscarriage at 7 weeks).  I was supposed to be a mother, it was supposed to be a different year. We do have hope, we have hope thank you to friends we met on our journey.  Who knew that day, January 2016 our journeys would keep us together and lead us down so many different roads to our success.  Sitting back in the waiting room, answering emails for work and a voice asked, “What are you in for?”.   These waiting rooms are typically the same, everyone staring at their phone trying to avoid everyone else.  We all know what we are “in for” it is the road we’ve taken to get there and the road ahead that varies from one another.  With that one question, 3 friends were made.  One friend pregnant on the first transfer, the other had a failed transfer her first try, but the second took and myself with one failed transfer, and one miscarrge still waiting for my rainbow.  Both friends hold their  babies right now and because of that question, this summer we will transfer 2 embryos.  It is a beautiful life and our friends make it so much more beautiful.  These women mean so much to me.  They are what makes a lonely road bearable.  They are the fuel that keeps you going.  Infertility is such a taboo subject for many, for a variety of reasons.  Because of that our laws and procedures don’t really “give a damn”.  I hope to be part of the change, the more vocal we are maybe, just maybe the more change we will see.  

The woman who asked that question that day just had her twins, we spent Friday night over there doing everything we dream of doing, holding babies!  They are precious and I loved watching my husband hold the little girl while she slept on him for 2 hours, hiccups and all.  The little boy slept on me for nearly 4 hours it was surreal to think that it could be us next year.  

For now I hold my husband and get my snuggles from my boys.  We have a friend coming over, we will eat crawfish for dinner and  will enjoy the weather with wine.  Possibly pulling out the dog pool.  Always exciting times in this house.  To the goddess within may we all have our Mother’s Day, kids or no kids, enjoy this day and love the women in your life, take it as a day just for you!  Peace, Love and Happiness on this day.