Broken

6dp5dt: negative HPT FRER

7dp5dt: I feel broken at this point tests are negative using the gold standard (FRER). My beta is Thursday.  There is still time if this is a late implantation.  More than anything I’m frustrated because I have all the symptoms I had with my first (and only positive).  Nausea, decreased appetite, gas, indigestion, cramping in odd places, crazy dreams every night, and waking up early.  Both dogs are stuck to me like glue, yet still negative.  I don’t know how to handle this.  Not only do I feel completely broken, but I feel that I failed these embryos, these embryos that were gifted to us, our friends that gifted them to us.  Was it my lining?  Something else?  Not out yet, just a few storm clouds on the horizon.

8dp5dt: negative FRER Hot flashes, VIVID dreams, waking up at crazy hours of the night and not being able to go back to sleep, extreme thirst.

9dp5dt:  Hot flashes, VIVID dreams, waking up at crazy hours of the night and not being able to go back to sleep, extreme thirst.

10dp5dt: HCG blood test <2, negative.  What do we do now? Do we put our names back in the hat for more donor embryos?  Do we just give up?  Right now I am too broken to think, too frustrated to know where to go.  Both of us are.  My symptoms started late and I was hopeful that maybe I’d have a low beta, but I would have a a beta, not 0.   Today was our due date for our miscarriage.  I should have been holding a child if not already soon.  This heartbreak is too much.  What is meant to be is not an answer, it is not a solution, it is giving up, but what else do you do?  Where do you go from here?  Unless someone knows a way to get through adoption without a home study.  Our WTF happened appointment is late August.  Until then we have time to think. For now I’ll be broken, my uterus let the embryos down.  I believe my lining is to blame, it will be brought up at our consult.

Always something there to remind me. 

No idea what happened to this one but alas here it is again.

Today is the day we got our calendar.  Waiting in the room to go back so I can have my USI done and go over everything with the doctor.  The nurse asked the couple in front of us if they are ready to see their baby(ies).  It will be their first visual of their little one.  My heart flutters and I instantly want to run and cry.  I remember that day, that feeling, that never-ending smile.  She’s reading a book about pregnancy.  The joy, the glow the never ending happiness.   That will forever be lost for us in a guarded world until we see that first heartbeat and hold our babies.  I want to mumble a congratulations but I feel myself choking up and I never get it out.  Infertility is a bitch and there is nothing more to say about it than that.  It does not discriminate it does not give s damn how good of a person you may be, how amazing you may be as a parent, it strikes out of nowhere and takes you down, breaks you.

So on to the USI (ultrasound sonohysterograph) procedure.  Once I was ready, the doctor came in and tried to put the usual catheter they use for the procedure my cervix was not cooperating.  I have cysts on my cervix, most women do.  However, one of my cysts is so large the doctor commented about the size of it and bonus, it was blocking the entry to my damn uterus for the catheter to inject the saline solution.  So they switch over to the catheter they use for the actual transfer which has a smaller diameter.  This one went right in.  Quick and over, no fibroids or other concerns to worry about so we’re good to go for our transfer prep.  I’ve never been tested for autoimmune issues or the MTHFR mutation (I’ve asked in the past but since I hadn’t been pregnant all was pushed off to be MFI and not my problem-most likely), I asked again and I go in for that testing Monday.  Hopefully it comes back clear and I’m good.  If not at least we’ll know what we need to do to combat any issues I may have (if any). No matter what we’ll feel better checking that off the list.  Unfortunately it will be around another freaking grand.  Absolute bullshit that NOTHING is covered.  We’ll do anything we can to make sure that we make it to our end goal and I don’t want to (can’t handle) another miscarriage especially if it was an autoimmune issue we didn’t test for. There are many, many things science is good for, this is definitely one of them. These babies are a gift to us and we are lucky to have the opportunity to love them.  Doing the math, my blood test will be on or the day after the due date of my miscarriage. We have a hearing at work scheduled right after we get our blood test done.  Good thing is, these hearings are pretty interesting and I can’t wander around as much as I usually do so resting will be easy.  Dinner and cleaning will be the difficult part, but I’ll just put the crockpot and husband to work (love you, babe!).  I’ll have to arrive at work a little early which will be rough considering I know how tired I was last time, but I can make anything work.  That’s how we roll.  If I get time I’ll work on getting those other blog posts up, I have around 15 to go (I think).  Work has been busy lately, good busy but busy.  Bonus today, I did get to play with 9 month old twins and hopefully I can make it to play with more twins this weekend.