Stop it.


I just need my brain to stop, to shut up.  Meditation is helping, but if I miss it I’m up most of the night (last night…).  I can’t imagine the next 2 months will be any better.  I’m focusing on the positive, it is what I have to look forward to.   I was gearing up to start my Leupron this time last year in preparation for the transfer of our last genetic chance.  To go through infertility and to get pregnant is a dream come true.  To lose that child is beyond my worst imagined dreams.  To all of the mothers who have lost, you are not alone.  We will go through this and it’s ok to grieve.  I will never forget the way the doctor looked at me as I was staring at the empty screen knowing what was about to come out of his mouth.  He strategically placed himself in front of the screen so I didn’t have to see it anymore.  I break down every time I replay that scene, the gut wrenching agony of our hearts being ripped straight out of our chests.  It doesn’t matter how you join this undesirable club, you are loved, you will get through and you will find your way.  Anniversaries are the hardest and not even being a year out it is all still fresh.  The wounds will heal and we’ll deal better every year.  That scar will still be there to sting it will always be there, it is part of your story, part of you.  

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Fix it all

We’ve been busy.  Ronin (2 years) needed TPLO surgery.  I was fortunate enough to get him into a clinical trial at LSU which helped some with the costs.  TPLO is a repair for the CCL (the equivalent to the ACL).  We have been leash walking him since 3 weeks before the surgery, and we have at least 7 weeks to go. Instead of repairing the tendon, they cut the tibia and change the angles of the knee, plates and screws included.  He had the procedure September 13, and is doing very well.  He’s using that leg when he walks, squatting he does sometimes, but other times he tucks it under.  He’s starting to feel pretty good and we’re finding we have to crate him more and more because he’s starting to return to his wild man ways, it’s going to be a long remainder to rehab…  His first few days home were pretty rough for everyone involved.   He had solid restrooms, but there was some fresh blood.  Because of this they asked that we not give him the Rimadyl (it can upset the tummy).  He was only taking Tramadol, which from what I’ve read after the fact doesn’t do a whole lot for the pain.  The first night home, he was anxious and trembling and it just got worse.  I gave up by Saturday afternoon and added in the Rimadyl.  The stools cleared up and I’m guessing it was stressed (he doesn’t like to be away from us or his brother) and the pain was reduced in less than 2 hours. Thursday he goes in for his 2 week check, stitches out and rehab appointment.  He’s such a big boy we’re spending the extra money for the rehab to help us all out in the long run.  Thank goodness we have insurance.  

Kali has been adopted by a wonderful man.  We’re still working on the poor girl’s nose issue.  She has an appointment with LSU today and hopefully they can figure it out.  She is the sweetest and it breaks my heart she’s had to deal with this issue this long.  I’m still leaning towards fungal by going to LSU, we cut out the middle man since any of the local vets will send us to LSU anyway.  

On the infertility front, I just started a new cycle after 60 days.  I would have started the 2nd trimester this week, or our child would have been nearing 2 months.  I’m dreading November and December at this point.  Way too many reminders.  Unfortunately I have to pick myself up and live my life.  I’m hoping we can get away for the weekend at least once, I need to sit on a beach or in the woods or something and just reflect, I need to be able to let go.  There are days I just want to curl up and cry other days I just want to be done.  I’m just tired.  Tired of failing, tired of being broken, tired of it all.  I have been getting back to running.  It feels nice to be back out there.  Ryker appreciates it too.  Ronin however does not like to be left behind.  Did I mention he’s spoiled?  That’s enough randomness for today.  I hope you have a great week.

Broken

6dp5dt: negative HPT FRER

7dp5dt: I feel broken at this point tests are negative using the gold standard (FRER). My beta is Thursday.  There is still time if this is a late implantation.  More than anything I’m frustrated because I have all the symptoms I had with my first (and only positive).  Nausea, decreased appetite, gas, indigestion, cramping in odd places, crazy dreams every night, and waking up early.  Both dogs are stuck to me like glue, yet still negative.  I don’t know how to handle this.  Not only do I feel completely broken, but I feel that I failed these embryos, these embryos that were gifted to us, our friends that gifted them to us.  Was it my lining?  Something else?  Not out yet, just a few storm clouds on the horizon.

8dp5dt: negative FRER Hot flashes, VIVID dreams, waking up at crazy hours of the night and not being able to go back to sleep, extreme thirst.

9dp5dt:  Hot flashes, VIVID dreams, waking up at crazy hours of the night and not being able to go back to sleep, extreme thirst.

10dp5dt: HCG blood test <2, negative.  What do we do now? Do we put our names back in the hat for more donor embryos?  Do we just give up?  Right now I am too broken to think, too frustrated to know where to go.  Both of us are.  My symptoms started late and I was hopeful that maybe I’d have a low beta, but I would have a a beta, not 0.   Today was our due date for our miscarriage.  I should have been holding a child if not already soon.  This heartbreak is too much.  What is meant to be is not an answer, it is not a solution, it is giving up, but what else do you do?  Where do you go from here?  Unless someone knows a way to get through adoption without a home study.  Our WTF happened appointment is late August.  Until then we have time to think. For now I’ll be broken, my uterus let the embryos down.  I believe my lining is to blame, it will be brought up at our consult.

Always something there to remind me. 

No idea what happened to this one but alas here it is again.

Today is the day we got our calendar.  Waiting in the room to go back so I can have my USI done and go over everything with the doctor.  The nurse asked the couple in front of us if they are ready to see their baby(ies).  It will be their first visual of their little one.  My heart flutters and I instantly want to run and cry.  I remember that day, that feeling, that never-ending smile.  She’s reading a book about pregnancy.  The joy, the glow the never ending happiness.   That will forever be lost for us in a guarded world until we see that first heartbeat and hold our babies.  I want to mumble a congratulations but I feel myself choking up and I never get it out.  Infertility is a bitch and there is nothing more to say about it than that.  It does not discriminate it does not give s damn how good of a person you may be, how amazing you may be as a parent, it strikes out of nowhere and takes you down, breaks you.

So on to the USI (ultrasound sonohysterograph) procedure.  Once I was ready, the doctor came in and tried to put the usual catheter they use for the procedure my cervix was not cooperating.  I have cysts on my cervix, most women do.  However, one of my cysts is so large the doctor commented about the size of it and bonus, it was blocking the entry to my damn uterus for the catheter to inject the saline solution.  So they switch over to the catheter they use for the actual transfer which has a smaller diameter.  This one went right in.  Quick and over, no fibroids or other concerns to worry about so we’re good to go for our transfer prep.  I’ve never been tested for autoimmune issues or the MTHFR mutation (I’ve asked in the past but since I hadn’t been pregnant all was pushed off to be MFI and not my problem-most likely), I asked again and I go in for that testing Monday.  Hopefully it comes back clear and I’m good.  If not at least we’ll know what we need to do to combat any issues I may have (if any). No matter what we’ll feel better checking that off the list.  Unfortunately it will be around another freaking grand.  Absolute bullshit that NOTHING is covered.  We’ll do anything we can to make sure that we make it to our end goal and I don’t want to (can’t handle) another miscarriage especially if it was an autoimmune issue we didn’t test for. There are many, many things science is good for, this is definitely one of them. These babies are a gift to us and we are lucky to have the opportunity to love them.  Doing the math, my blood test will be on or the day after the due date of my miscarriage. We have a hearing at work scheduled right after we get our blood test done.  Good thing is, these hearings are pretty interesting and I can’t wander around as much as I usually do so resting will be easy.  Dinner and cleaning will be the difficult part, but I’ll just put the crockpot and husband to work (love you, babe!).  I’ll have to arrive at work a little early which will be rough considering I know how tired I was last time, but I can make anything work.  That’s how we roll.  If I get time I’ll work on getting those other blog posts up, I have around 15 to go (I think).  Work has been busy lately, good busy but busy.  Bonus today, I did get to play with 9 month old twins and hopefully I can make it to play with more twins this weekend.