How do you pick up the pieces? In my life I’ve found that it is easiest to do this one piece at a time, start with the obvious placements and work your way to the much more difficult ones to put back in place. I’m still working on this one and know I cannot glue one of the largest pieces back until after the WTF appointment the 25th. I went ahead and put our names back on the donor embryo list for matching. Almost immediately we received a potential embryo, last time it took nearly 3 months to even get our first donor profile and before we received another my friend donated hers to us. I was shocked. This embryo will also be discussed at the WTF appointment since we received minimal information with this profile. At this point we’re not sure when we’d move forward, but we will eventually. I am sure that it is a lining issue and that we will need to be above 7.5 for a transfer. I really didn’t do anything different between the miscarriage transfer and this transfer, so I’m not sure. I do believe that the regulation between July 2016 and my transfer in November 2016 was a huge player. That question will be brought up for sure. I let these embryos down, I should have fought harder. Honestly until the 2nd appointment all was great so I don’t know what happened and why the lining stopped growing. Right now I just wait for auntflow to show up and my appointment at the end of the month.
For now I just put myself back together. I’m working on my endometriosis and trying to get it more under control. I am back on the pycnogenol and am working on getting some semblance of a running schedule together. We will be running the local infertilty run in November called Baby Steps. Our team is “Are you sure you’re doing it right?” We came up with that because we are so vocal about our problems and with educating others on what they need to know. I’m still dumbfounded by people who do not realize what their body does month to month. I’m even more so when someone has to go through IVF or any other fertility treatment and they still have no clue. Ignorance is not always bliss and could have saved someone years of heartache if they just knew how to do something as simple as charting. For many people it isn’t so easy. Maybe it’s just the scientist in me but I want to know what is going on and why. I want to know why the doctor is prescribing this for this time of the month and I’m only taking this other drug some other days. I want to know what I’m looking at on the screen when the tech is looking at my ovaries and lining. I want to know what that number means, 7.2, 7.8… What does that mean for me? Is my lining trilaminear? I’m ready to be through all of this needing to know. I’m ready to be holding a child that is so dear to us that our love could start a fire. I’m ready for the long nights and the grumpy days, the ‘Watch what I learned!” And the questions. All of the questions. Without questions you get no answers. Without pain you don’t get strength. I hope our child(ren) do not know all the pain we learned through, my hope is that they scrape through learning that maybe that branch wasn’t the one to climb, or that step should have been 2 inches to the left on a trail run. I know we cannot protect them, but we can guide them and to us that is worth every pain we have been through. We can teach them how to get through it and how to be good humans.
So today I start the estrogens, aka the hard stuff. I say that relatively since this is not a retrieval but an FET. I’m ready to get this party started and live in a dream world for the rest of my life. Every moment I was pregnant for the entire 7 weeks, it was a dream, the happiest dream I’ve had. Nausea? I was grinning ear to ear. Exhausted? Loving every minute of it. Going potty every 35 minutes? Never been more happy. I will enjoy every moment this time around even though I know until we see a heartbeat I’ll be guarded. I know this will work, this is what was written in the stars for us. We gain new friends (family) and get to raise our babies side by side. Until then I’ll take my estrace and inject my rump with estradiol valerate. Bonus, I have an actual office now so no running to the restroom to “shoot up”. It always kind of grossed me out having to do that. I mean, its a bathroom and I’m sticking a needle in my muscles, not talking one of those dinky needles you use for sub-Q, but a one that would give someone with a needle phobia a heart attack. They use a smaller gauge to get blood from me. Thank goodness no one in my house has a needle phobia. Like everything, there will be rough roads but we are ready for those. We just need to get over the transfer and first trimester hump.
I had to stay behind because I have to take off too many days in the coming month, but my husband is headed to MO to check in with the family. They didn’t need the wild boys there anyway, they can be a little overwhelming on occasionally. I’ll just clean up the house and start figuring out the food plan for the first trimester. Anything to help out the husband (and me) and keep us from eating out since I have the gluten thing going on. I’ll need to pick up some containers for soups so that I can freeze them for lunch. I may even get the wild hair and make my chicken noodle soup now. I found a recipe to make the “family recipe” egg noodles paleo, which is freaking amazing!!!! Talk about healthy and still a comfort food!!! I think it’s supposed to rain most of the weekend so I’ll just have to suck it up and mop anyway. At least I can keep the small one entertained by the tv. He likes the pet collective channel. Nothing else I can take them both on a walk in between the downpours.
Ronin relaxing in front of a live oak.
I’m ready to get this show on the road. I began Leupron injections Monday. I had my scratch test on Tuesday. I don’t know if my uterus is extra sensitive or what the deal is, but it does not like this test. I take Tylenol before I go in and it doesn’t put a dent in the pain. Because I cramp up so bad after and it lingers for the day I took the rest of the day off. I was able to play with the twins. It’s crazy to think they’re 3 months, and that next year I’ll be holding my own. 💕I received my APA, NK and MTHFR results and all are negative! That is some of the best news we’ve received in this entire process. It was getting a little hairy for a bit waiting on the NK results. They were supposed to be in before the APA panel, but they ended up coming in at the same time as the MTHFR results (twice the amount of time the website states). With endo, I was most likely to come back with the NK cells activated. So it’s official that I have done all I could do to not be the problem. My last birth control was Wednesday and I know my body was ready for that. Mentally I’m ready to move forward. I didn’t figure it would take long for period day 1, and I was right. She’s here only 1.5 days after stopping the pill. Now for my official calendar. July 29th I’ll start the estrogens with 2 u/s and blood work before the transfer July 17th. That lines up my official blood test for July 27th, which was my due date for my miscarriage. I feel so good about this, so many good things are happening, so much love to give. My friend who has donated these babies to us had her transfer exactly 11 months prior. I call her schedule the “good luck schedule” and I’m following in her footsteps.
From the IVF Emoji app. Where was this when we started this process?!
In other news. We had a mild tropical storm come through, unfortunately I know farther east it had much more rain then we had and I hate that for them, but we didn’t need it. I had some panicked friends who flooded in August and I don’t blame them with drainage being blocked still due to overwhelmed public services as well as difficulty getting to some of the blockages, and just regular PTSD when the heavy rains come down. I understand. No matter how much logic you tell yourself if you’ve been through something like that it wears on you and can give you fears. My older dog (Ryker) has not been acting near as nutty, well at least not until this past Sunday. I was at the neighbor’s with him and a storm brewed up pretty quickly and it was a noisy one. By the end of it, he was on my lap with his head buried. His brother always tries to make him feel better which usually ends up making it worse, thankfully he was distracted by my neighbors’ dog. They have a tree over their house so I’m not sure if that is why he was acting like a nut or if he’ll be a chicken for life (understood, we did have a tree crash through our house during a storm). But they are so sweet!