Somewhere Over the Rainbow

This one will be a little different as we are at the one year mark.  I have so many emotions rolling through my head, thankfully I have a pretty large work problem to keep me distracted at this time.  I’ve also been meditating at least once a day and practicing mental breaks so that I can distract myself from focusing on what we have lost, diverting my focus to the good things in life.  I still have my moments, who wouldn’t?  Our hearts are still broken, that will never change, you just put the pieces back together and move on.November 8: 1 year ago today we went in for the transfer of our one and only embryo from our second retrieval.  It was one of the most terrifying things I have done.  The last of our combined genetics, will this work?  We had done literally everything in our power to make it work.

Right before we went back. Our first family photo. I hate that you can see the fear in my eyes, after one failed transfer it shows.[/caption]

November 10, 2016: Today my dogs began devoting themselves to me. Ryker was so bad that he refused to go outside without me, he had to be touching me or see me at all times. I began having symptoms that I didn’t realize were symptoms yet.

November 11, 2016: The nausea started. Satsumas were the cure.

November 14, 2016: I took a pregnancy test. After 6 years, 2 pink lines showed up on that baby. I was so excited I cried.

November 15, 2016: I took a different another pregnancy test, the line is darker. At this point I’m riding that happy until my blood test.

November 18, 2016: Blood serum day. Officially I am pregnant, 105.

We went to MO to visit our family for Thanksgiving, 12 hours one way in the Explorer.

Our first ultrasound was scheduled November 30, 2016. Seeing our baby on the screen was the most amazing thing. There it was everything we had worked so hard for. Everything in one tiny bubble in my uterus. Yolk sac and embryo both look great. We schedule for the next week. That weekend we traveled to a race we volunteer at (2 hours in the Explorer one way).

December 5, 2016, growth was a little behind but nothing to be concerned about at this point. We will be back the next week.

December 6, 2016, I nearly pee myself coming into work. I had no idea that this was the beginning of the end. That evening, bright red followed by a blue tinge clot. I had not idea that was our baby at the time. Several of my friends had bled during their successful cycles, I wasn’t going to panic.

December 7, 2016, went in to have an ultrasound and make sure everything is ok. There was NOTHING in my uterus, nothing at all. I broke, that was my breaking point. All that we have been through and this is what we end with. There are no answers, our embryo quality was great everything was growing great we have no understanding as to why this happened to us.

1 year later I still have so many questions. We got rid of the Explorer, I’m not sure I’ll ever be convinced that the vehicle did not cause the miscarriage. In January we learned of the problem with carbon monoxide in the cabin and bought a meter. Almost the entire time I drove the Explorer there was a reading, typically around 4ppm but as high as 10ppm during my normal drives around town. Our trip to Arizona it reached 15ppm (not one single car around us for as far as we could see) and was still rising when we pulled over opened the windows and doors to air it out. I’ve come to terms but it still angers me that we went through 2 rounds of IVF to lose our last genetic connection potentially due to our vehicle poisoning us. We still have not succeeded and are left with so many questions.

What I’m doing now is clearing out my system. I’m going to a functional medicine doctor and will be following autoimmune paleo protocol for the next several weeks. I need to figure out why I cannot lose weight, what causes my inflammation and generally get my shit back together. I was able to see this on the anniversary of our last ultrasound. There is always a rainbow after the storm. We are getting there.

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Stop it.


I just need my brain to stop, to shut up.  Meditation is helping, but if I miss it I’m up most of the night (last night…).  I can’t imagine the next 2 months will be any better.  I’m focusing on the positive, it is what I have to look forward to.   I was gearing up to start my Leupron this time last year in preparation for the transfer of our last genetic chance.  To go through infertility and to get pregnant is a dream come true.  To lose that child is beyond my worst imagined dreams.  To all of the mothers who have lost, you are not alone.  We will go through this and it’s ok to grieve.  I will never forget the way the doctor looked at me as I was staring at the empty screen knowing what was about to come out of his mouth.  He strategically placed himself in front of the screen so I didn’t have to see it anymore.  I break down every time I replay that scene, the gut wrenching agony of our hearts being ripped straight out of our chests.  It doesn’t matter how you join this undesirable club, you are loved, you will get through and you will find your way.  Anniversaries are the hardest and not even being a year out it is all still fresh.  The wounds will heal and we’ll deal better every year.  That scar will still be there to sting it will always be there, it is part of your story, part of you.  

Calendar Day 1

So today I start the estrogens, aka the hard stuff.  I say that relatively since this is not a retrieval but an FET.  I’m ready to get this party started and live in a dream world for the rest of my life.  Every moment I was pregnant for the entire 7 weeks, it was a dream, the happiest dream I’ve had.  Nausea?  I was grinning ear to ear.  Exhausted?  Loving every minute of it.  Going potty every 35 minutes?  Never been more happy.  I will enjoy every moment this time around even though I know until we see a heartbeat I’ll be guarded.  I know this will work, this is what was written in the stars for us.  We gain new friends (family) and get to raise our babies side by side.  Until then I’ll take my estrace and inject my rump with estradiol valerate.  Bonus, I have an actual office now so no running to the restroom to “shoot up”. It always kind of grossed me out having to do that. I mean, its a bathroom and I’m sticking a needle in my muscles, not talking one of those dinky needles you use for sub-Q, but a one that would give someone with a needle phobia a heart attack.  They use a smaller gauge to get blood from me.  Thank goodness no one in my house has a needle phobia.  Like everything, there will be rough roads but we are ready for those.  We just need to get over the transfer and first trimester hump.  

I had to stay behind because I have to take off too many days in the coming month, but my husband is headed to MO to check in with the family.  They didn’t need the wild boys there anyway, they can be a little overwhelming on occasionally.  I’ll just clean up the house and start figuring out the food plan for the first trimester.  Anything to help out the husband (and me) and keep us from eating out since I have the gluten thing going on.  I’ll need to pick up some containers for soups so that I can freeze them for lunch.  I may even get the wild hair and make my chicken noodle soup now.  I found a recipe to make the “family recipe” egg noodles paleo, which is freaking amazing!!!!  Talk about healthy and still a comfort food!!!  I think it’s supposed to rain most of the weekend so I’ll just have to suck it up and mop anyway.  At least I can keep the small one entertained by the tv.  He likes the pet collective channel.  ​Nothing else I can take them both on a walk in between the downpours.  

Ronin relaxing in front of a live oak.  

Let’s get this party started!

I’m ready to get this show on the road. I began Leupron injections Monday.  I had my scratch test on Tuesday.  I don’t know if my uterus is extra sensitive or what the deal is, but it does not like this test.  I take Tylenol before I go in and it doesn’t put a dent in the pain.  Because I cramp up so bad after and it lingers for the day I took the rest of the day off.  I was able to play with the twins.  It’s crazy to think they’re 3 months, and that next year I’ll be holding my own.  💕I received my APA, NK and MTHFR results and all are negative!  That is some of the best news we’ve received in this entire process.  It was getting a little hairy for a bit waiting on the NK results.  They were supposed to be in before the APA panel, but they ended up coming in at the same time as the MTHFR results (twice the amount of time the website states).  With endo, I was most likely to come back with the NK cells activated.  So it’s official that I have done all I could do to not be the problem.  My last birth control was Wednesday and I know my body was ready for that.  Mentally I’m ready to move forward.  I didn’t figure it would take long for period day 1, and I was right. She’s here only 1.5 days after stopping the pill.  Now for my official calendar.   July 29th I’ll start the estrogens with 2 u/s and blood work before the transfer July 17th.  That lines up my official blood test for July 27th, which was my due date for my miscarriage.  I feel so good about this, so many good things are happening, so much love to give.  My friend who has donated these babies to us had her transfer exactly 11 months prior.  I call her schedule the “good luck schedule” and I’m following in her footsteps.  

From the IVF Emoji app. Where was this when we started this process?!

In other news.  We had a mild tropical storm come through, unfortunately I know farther east it had much more rain then we had and I hate that for them, but we didn’t need it.  I had some panicked friends who flooded in August and I don’t blame them with drainage being blocked still due to overwhelmed public services as well as difficulty getting to some of the blockages, and just regular PTSD when the heavy rains come down.  I understand.  No matter how much logic you tell yourself if you’ve been through something like that it wears on you and can give you fears.  My older dog (Ryker) has not been acting near as nutty, well at least not until this past Sunday.  I was at the neighbor’s with him and a storm brewed up pretty quickly and it was a noisy one.  By the end of it, he was on my lap with his head buried.  His brother always tries to make him feel better which usually ends up making it worse, thankfully he was distracted by my neighbors’ dog.  They have a tree over their house so I’m not sure if that is why he was acting like a nut or if he’ll be a chicken for life (understood, we did have a tree crash through our house during a storm).  But they are so sweet!