I just need my brain to stop, to shut up. Meditation is helping, but if I miss it I’m up most of the night (last night…). I can’t imagine the next 2 months will be any better. I’m focusing on the positive, it is what I have to look forward to. I was gearing up to start my Leupron this time last year in preparation for the transfer of our last genetic chance. To go through infertility and to get pregnant is a dream come true. To lose that child is beyond my worst imagined dreams. To all of the mothers who have lost, you are not alone. We will go through this and it’s ok to grieve. I will never forget the way the doctor looked at me as I was staring at the empty screen knowing what was about to come out of his mouth. He strategically placed himself in front of the screen so I didn’t have to see it anymore. I break down every time I replay that scene, the gut wrenching agony of our hearts being ripped straight out of our chests. It doesn’t matter how you join this undesirable club, you are loved, you will get through and you will find your way. Anniversaries are the hardest and not even being a year out it is all still fresh. The wounds will heal and we’ll deal better every year. That scar will still be there to sting it will always be there, it is part of your story, part of you.
So today I start the estrogens, aka the hard stuff. I say that relatively since this is not a retrieval but an FET. I’m ready to get this party started and live in a dream world for the rest of my life. Every moment I was pregnant for the entire 7 weeks, it was a dream, the happiest dream I’ve had. Nausea? I was grinning ear to ear. Exhausted? Loving every minute of it. Going potty every 35 minutes? Never been more happy. I will enjoy every moment this time around even though I know until we see a heartbeat I’ll be guarded. I know this will work, this is what was written in the stars for us. We gain new friends (family) and get to raise our babies side by side. Until then I’ll take my estrace and inject my rump with estradiol valerate. Bonus, I have an actual office now so no running to the restroom to “shoot up”. It always kind of grossed me out having to do that. I mean, its a bathroom and I’m sticking a needle in my muscles, not talking one of those dinky needles you use for sub-Q, but a one that would give someone with a needle phobia a heart attack. They use a smaller gauge to get blood from me. Thank goodness no one in my house has a needle phobia. Like everything, there will be rough roads but we are ready for those. We just need to get over the transfer and first trimester hump.
I had to stay behind because I have to take off too many days in the coming month, but my husband is headed to MO to check in with the family. They didn’t need the wild boys there anyway, they can be a little overwhelming on occasionally. I’ll just clean up the house and start figuring out the food plan for the first trimester. Anything to help out the husband (and me) and keep us from eating out since I have the gluten thing going on. I’ll need to pick up some containers for soups so that I can freeze them for lunch. I may even get the wild hair and make my chicken noodle soup now. I found a recipe to make the “family recipe” egg noodles paleo, which is freaking amazing!!!! Talk about healthy and still a comfort food!!! I think it’s supposed to rain most of the weekend so I’ll just have to suck it up and mop anyway. At least I can keep the small one entertained by the tv. He likes the pet collective channel. Nothing else I can take them both on a walk in between the downpours.
I’m ready to get this show on the road. I began Leupron injections Monday. I had my scratch test on Tuesday. I don’t know if my uterus is extra sensitive or what the deal is, but it does not like this test. I take Tylenol before I go in and it doesn’t put a dent in the pain. Because I cramp up so bad after and it lingers for the day I took the rest of the day off. I was able to play with the twins. It’s crazy to think they’re 3 months, and that next year I’ll be holding my own. 💕I received my APA, NK and MTHFR results and all are negative! That is some of the best news we’ve received in this entire process. It was getting a little hairy for a bit waiting on the NK results. They were supposed to be in before the APA panel, but they ended up coming in at the same time as the MTHFR results (twice the amount of time the website states). With endo, I was most likely to come back with the NK cells activated. So it’s official that I have done all I could do to not be the problem. My last birth control was Wednesday and I know my body was ready for that. Mentally I’m ready to move forward. I didn’t figure it would take long for period day 1, and I was right. She’s here only 1.5 days after stopping the pill. Now for my official calendar. July 29th I’ll start the estrogens with 2 u/s and blood work before the transfer July 17th. That lines up my official blood test for July 27th, which was my due date for my miscarriage. I feel so good about this, so many good things are happening, so much love to give. My friend who has donated these babies to us had her transfer exactly 11 months prior. I call her schedule the “good luck schedule” and I’m following in her footsteps.
In other news. We had a mild tropical storm come through, unfortunately I know farther east it had much more rain then we had and I hate that for them, but we didn’t need it. I had some panicked friends who flooded in August and I don’t blame them with drainage being blocked still due to overwhelmed public services as well as difficulty getting to some of the blockages, and just regular PTSD when the heavy rains come down. I understand. No matter how much logic you tell yourself if you’ve been through something like that it wears on you and can give you fears. My older dog (Ryker) has not been acting near as nutty, well at least not until this past Sunday. I was at the neighbor’s with him and a storm brewed up pretty quickly and it was a noisy one. By the end of it, he was on my lap with his head buried. His brother always tries to make him feel better which usually ends up making it worse, thankfully he was distracted by my neighbors’ dog. They have a tree over their house so I’m not sure if that is why he was acting like a nut or if he’ll be a chicken for life (understood, we did have a tree crash through our house during a storm). But they are so sweet!