Let’s get this party started!

I’m ready to get this show on the road. I began Leupron injections Monday.  I had my scratch test on Tuesday.  I don’t know if my uterus is extra sensitive or what the deal is, but it does not like this test.  I take Tylenol before I go in and it doesn’t put a dent in the pain.  Because I cramp up so bad after and it lingers for the day I took the rest of the day off.  I was able to play with the twins.  It’s crazy to think they’re 3 months, and that next year I’ll be holding my own.  💕I received my APA, NK and MTHFR results and all are negative!  That is some of the best news we’ve received in this entire process.  It was getting a little hairy for a bit waiting on the NK results.  They were supposed to be in before the APA panel, but they ended up coming in at the same time as the MTHFR results (twice the amount of time the website states).  With endo, I was most likely to come back with the NK cells activated.  So it’s official that I have done all I could do to not be the problem.  My last birth control was Wednesday and I know my body was ready for that.  Mentally I’m ready to move forward.  I didn’t figure it would take long for period day 1, and I was right. She’s here only 1.5 days after stopping the pill.  Now for my official calendar.   July 29th I’ll start the estrogens with 2 u/s and blood work before the transfer July 17th.  That lines up my official blood test for July 27th, which was my due date for my miscarriage.  I feel so good about this, so many good things are happening, so much love to give.  My friend who has donated these babies to us had her transfer exactly 11 months prior.  I call her schedule the “good luck schedule” and I’m following in her footsteps.  

From the IVF Emoji app. Where was this when we started this process?!

In other news.  We had a mild tropical storm come through, unfortunately I know farther east it had much more rain then we had and I hate that for them, but we didn’t need it.  I had some panicked friends who flooded in August and I don’t blame them with drainage being blocked still due to overwhelmed public services as well as difficulty getting to some of the blockages, and just regular PTSD when the heavy rains come down.  I understand.  No matter how much logic you tell yourself if you’ve been through something like that it wears on you and can give you fears.  My older dog (Ryker) has not been acting near as nutty, well at least not until this past Sunday.  I was at the neighbor’s with him and a storm brewed up pretty quickly and it was a noisy one.  By the end of it, he was on my lap with his head buried.  His brother always tries to make him feel better which usually ends up making it worse, thankfully he was distracted by my neighbors’ dog.  They have a tree over their house so I’m not sure if that is why he was acting like a nut or if he’ll be a chicken for life (understood, we did have a tree crash through our house during a storm).  But they are so sweet!

July 20, 2012

This post is from July 20, 2012
Once again, I start another cycle. It’s like Groundhog Day but worse. You live through the motions of every month, but you can’t have fun with it. Once again, someone else is expecting. No matter how happy you might be for them, you don’t want to watch that belly grow, you don’t want to see what you’ve been trying to achieve for over a year. The worst thing is that I will be waiting more and more… Admitting that you need help is hard and we’ve hit the point that we need it. An appointment will be scheduled with an RE and we’ll go from there.

In other worlds I fell flew off my bike. I grossly miscalculated a corner and hit a poorly created road and WHAM!!! Next thing I knew the bike was in the street 5 feet away from me and I had blood gushing from my eye. The grass couldn’t be bothered to assist in my fall, just the sidewalk. My husband’s phone of course was not behaving the night before and the battery had been removed. Of course there are neighbors to beat on the door… Or not, one of those when you need someone the most you can’t find them situations. The home phone was not behaving either so I called my chiropractor, since that’s where I was headed to and he came to get me. When I got home my husband was up since I had called the home phone repeatably (we need to go buy a new one) and he knew something was up. I think his heart sank since it looked horrible, I just happened to be wearing a white shirt with a gaping head wound it looked like it was actually red, that is until you looked at the back. 2 hours in the waiting room at the ER, a CT Scan and 4 stitches later, nothing’s broken (they thought that I broke my suborbital bone). All in a good day…

 Healing has been a lesson in asking for help, that is for sure. I hate to not be able to do stuff for myself, however, put my hands together and you have one good hand. The right one looks like hamburger and the left one has “issues”. Not sure if it is jammed or just severely bruised. Time will tell. Overall the damage was minimal and I’m happy to once again be told “You have a hard head.” Yup, hard headed that’s me. It’s what pushes me through the worst of it. What pushes me out the door when I want to sit in bed and cry, when I just want to hide. I should mention this was Saturday the 14th, I have had 2 car wrecks and 2 (recent) falls on the day after Friday the 13th. I can tell you what I’ll be doing September 14, 2013, staying home!!!

The stitches came out yesterday and the doctor thought it was a healing beautifully and the hospital did a great job of shaving my eyebrow. Nope, Doc, all concrete. No razor was used in this creation, I’m that good. I’ve been exhausted but I do know how to take care of some wounds.

  I couldn’t believe that my fertility chart was actually amazing this month even with a crash and burn. Stress should cause a saw-tooth pattern, however, my chart was amazing, even went triphasic. Alas… 13 months of BFN (Big Fat Negative). It’s to the point I never expect to see it, those 2 glorious lines. How people who go through this for years, even decades I don’t know. Each month is like a new day, by the end of the month you are so ready for that positive you can taste it and you believe it, you believe it is there. You even start imaging another line only to realize you’ve lost your mind. Onward ho to the next month, Groundhog Day, over and over again you repeat. You continue to have hope, you continue to dream, eventually you choose to not run races because they are kid oriented, you start dreading baby showers. Yes it’s selfish, but there is only so much a person can take at once. It is always worst the first half of the cycle. Once ovulation occurs, you have new hope, new dreams. Here’s to starting back at one and going on. I love my husband and without his love, I’d be nuts (still debatable). One to next month, maybe we’ll get it right.

Sorry if this is scatter-brained, I did hit my head, LOL!

June 27, 2012

This post is originally from June 27, 2012.  Funny how little things seem to have changed in 5 years, but yet how so much has changed.  

As with running, you are always one step closer to your goal. Positive thinking can do a lot, but there are so many days that you just can’t deal with the outside world. Those days are meant for a run and a little BB King. Yesterday was one of those days. When you are young, you think you’re invincible, then you grow up and sometimes that happens faster then you want. You do everything possible to be the best person you can be, you do everything possible to be good to yourself, then you get news, news that literally throws you back on your behind. Then the questions start…

Where did I go wrong?
Is that all that is wrong or are there more problems hidden?

WHY?????????????????????????  
Things that seemed so easy to obtain are so far away, and each month they seem to get farther and farther away. The doubt sinks in more and more, and it becomes so hard to keep your head up, to be strong. You’ve been here time and time again, and nothing came of it so why will this month be different? Then you get results that explain a little, but those results can’t be the full picture, in your gut you know there is more. All around you is happiness, all inside you is a great sadness. Think the great sadness from “The Never-ending Story”, ironic that is how I feel since it was a favorite movie growing up.

It is so easy to obtain, but yet, so difficult. There are options, not many and some with a huge burden. When you want something so bad you convince yourself of it month after month, where do you draw the line? Then there are people you love who don’t realize how bad things really are, they don’t realize how bad it hurts when there is a repeated failure and you have went over and beyond the call of duty to obtain your goal. There are others who pester you constantly, they don’t know your goal and they don’t know how far away it is for you. Exhaustion sets in, mentally, physically, you feel like its futile. You see the stories, get the results, start researching and then reality sinks in. First you cry, then you get mad and when I’m mad I don’t stop until I achieve my goal. I will obtain my goal. Some days are better than others, the disappointment gets easier because your hopes dwindle more and more, but in the end no matter what you are one step closer to your goal. A problem has been solved and in solving a problem you obtain a form of solution. It might be next week before that solution is confirmed, it could be 3 months from now, maybe even longer thing is you keep walking, keep your head up and jump in when you need to swim, every movement forward is one step closer. I will achieve my goal!

Here we go again

So we have news!  Since the monthly visitor decided to make my last week absolute hell it’s only justified.   I have my 3rd, and please whomever is in charge of this insanity, my last HSI, June 9th.  Transfer day will be the week of July 17th which will put the blood test right before our 7 year anniversary and the due date of my miscarriage.  I keep wondering if this is really happening?  I do not look forward to the scratch test, the last time I laid on the chair for at least a minute in shear pain (so who would?).  Apparently this is not an unusual reaction, but also is not typical.  Whatever it was it worked and I will do whatever it takes to make this work and stick.  Not only is this the beginning of a new chapter, but we are being trusted with someone else’s treasure.  I know the family blessing us with these babies does not think that way, but it still weighs.  In reality, this is no different than my feelings for each of my embryos I transferred.  You give your entire heart and soul to this process.  You’re life revolves around each doctor appointment, each procedure, each call.  These babies will be loved more than we can imagine.  Beginning this weekend my life will begin to revolve around them.  I begin the downregulation process with birth control pills.  I’ll be on them until late June which after aunt flow this month I am pretty excited about.  My back has been screaming at me since Sunday and the migraine that was triggered Monday left me immobile.  I am not sure if my endo is getting worse (affecting different parts of the body) or if I am still recovering from the miscarriage or some combination of the two.  I’ve been fortunate that my endo is not what I would call terrible (even though it was stage 3).  The worst has been the organs that it affects.  It was removed from my ovaries, bladder, bowl and uterers and thinking back that explains a lot.   Like the sudden and instantaneous urge to use the restroom during my cycle, no warnings just sharp cramps and if I am not near a restroom a potential mess.  With it being on my ovaries, that explains the DOR and poor quality eggs I have dealt with.  

I have this weekend to work on my house.  My husband is working all weekend so I get to clean, possibly see some friends who are rebuilding after the floods, attend an Orange Theory Class and plan the menu for the next week and hopefully I’ll be able to transfer over some of the old blog posts.  Monday morning I go in to check for viral immunity.  In the past I was no longer immune to ruebella and I had to go in and get revaccinated for MMR. It’s one of those extra things they check you for in the world of infertility.   They want you to be as healthy and as low-risk as feasibly possible.  Sometimes things just can’t be prevented.  I know these have been a little on the rambling side, once I get the old posts up they should become more focused.  Enjoy your weekend, I hope it’s a good one!  

Replay…

I’m not sure how to go about transitioning all of my previous blog posts over to this site.  There is a lot of information, a lot of heartbreak and an overwhelming amount of frustration there, all pertinent to where we are today.   The easiest way would be to just copy and paste over with an introduction.  I will probably start that this week, so watch for those.  

It is Mother’s Day.  The day every infertile dreads, the day that reminds us what we don’t have year after year after year.  If you are estranged from your own mom it makes it worse.  This year I have done my best to keep my hopes high.  This year was supposed to be different.  I was supposed to be holding a child (first due date was to be January 10, 2017) or at the very least be in my 2nd transfer (November 8 transfer ending in a miscarriage at 7 weeks).  I was supposed to be a mother, it was supposed to be a different year. We do have hope, we have hope thank you to friends we met on our journey.  Who knew that day, January 2016 our journeys would keep us together and lead us down so many different roads to our success.  Sitting back in the waiting room, answering emails for work and a voice asked, “What are you in for?”.   These waiting rooms are typically the same, everyone staring at their phone trying to avoid everyone else.  We all know what we are “in for” it is the road we’ve taken to get there and the road ahead that varies from one another.  With that one question, 3 friends were made.  One friend pregnant on the first transfer, the other had a failed transfer her first try, but the second took and myself with one failed transfer, and one miscarrge still waiting for my rainbow.  Both friends hold their  babies right now and because of that question, this summer we will transfer 2 embryos.  It is a beautiful life and our friends make it so much more beautiful.  These women mean so much to me.  They are what makes a lonely road bearable.  They are the fuel that keeps you going.  Infertility is such a taboo subject for many, for a variety of reasons.  Because of that our laws and procedures don’t really “give a damn”.  I hope to be part of the change, the more vocal we are maybe, just maybe the more change we will see.  

The woman who asked that question that day just had her twins, we spent Friday night over there doing everything we dream of doing, holding babies!  They are precious and I loved watching my husband hold the little girl while she slept on him for 2 hours, hiccups and all.  The little boy slept on me for nearly 4 hours it was surreal to think that it could be us next year.  

For now I hold my husband and get my snuggles from my boys.  We have a friend coming over, we will eat crawfish for dinner and  will enjoy the weather with wine.  Possibly pulling out the dog pool.  Always exciting times in this house.  To the goddess within may we all have our Mother’s Day, kids or no kids, enjoy this day and love the women in your life, take it as a day just for you!  Peace, Love and Happiness on this day. 

The Waiting

Waiting is the hardest part.

The waiting is the hardest part… Tom Petty says it best.  One year ago, we had our first blood test after our first IVF cycle.  For those who are not familiar with the process of IVF, I will go through our experiences in another post, but the gist of it is 1) amp up hormones so you produce as many eggs as feasibly possible, 2) retrieve said eggs, 3) fertilize these eggs, in our case selecting the best looking sperm and injecting them individually into each egg, 4) watch for 5 days, 5) freeze the ones who are still growing (standard procedure for someone my age, 6) recover from the procedure and in my case have surgery to remove a fibroid, 7) more hormones to prepare for transfer, 8) transfer and wait, 9) blood test 10 days after transfer.  Over simplified, but that is for another post.

I love my husband, I love my dogs, I love my family, but there is something missing.  There has been something missing since we have tried month after month, year after year to conceive.  I never thought that my life would revolve around infertility, that I would ever want something so much it hurts.  Maybe it’s the failure month after month and an unhealthy drive to achieve what I set out to do, who knows.  What do you do when you wait, and wait, and wait.  Hopeful every month for a positive, hopeful of what comes so easy to so many, but it never comes.  You see a specialist (already in another post I bring over from my old blog), and another, and then a 3rd which is where the story is today.   We had 2 high quality embryos to transfer April 25, 2016. High hopes and dreams that is what drives IVF, infertility.  It is what keeps you from losing your damn mind, that and fur babies.  I mean who could ever get mad at these 2?! Ryker (the brown brindle-the wise old man) and Ronin (the black and white guy-our puppy)

IMG_0004.JPG

There is a saying that infertility is all of the stages of grief repeated every month. Month after month… IVF seems to expand that by 200%. When we had our first IVF cycle (cycle is retrieval and transfer) we were hopeful. Yes, we only had 2 embryos, yes we were putting them both in, yes we could have twins. The biggest fear was the first statement, yes we only had 2 embryos, if we put them both in and it fails we have to start over. April 25th came. We were ecstatic, one blast was on the verge of hatching, the other was nearly perfect. We went to brunch that morning before we went in, not knowing how long it would be before we would eat again. While finishing up our brunch, our Dr. called, seems he was having spasms and would not be able to perform the transfer, one of the New Orleans doctors would be driving up to help out and instead of 11, our transfer time was now set for 2. Not only does this place us later in the day, but it puts us in the risk of having to drive in rush-hour (love my husband dearly but he stresses me out to no end in traffic as do the idiots who drive in this city – chicken and egg situation).  So now we’ve ate and I have to keep a full bladder (for me means I have to pee so bad it hurts) and wait.  We arrive to our appointment and are whisked to the back.  The doctor is running behind, caught in traffic (surprise, surprise…), I’m allowed to release some of the pressure as long as I promise that it won’t be too much, this occurred 3 times before we were allowed to go back for the big show.  The transfer was not supposed to hurt, but it did, therefore worry number one already established.  The transfer itself is pretty amazing to me, you get to watch a screen of them placing the embryo(s) in your uterus.  It looks kind of like a spaceship making a landing, in my opinion, being a science nerd it is nerdy of the highest order.  Knowing that the little blob that just shot into my uterus is our potential child(ren) just overwhelms my heart.  You are wheeled out of that room, allowed to pee (thank goodness!) and instructed to relax for 30 minutes or so. Once they deem you relaxed enough they send you home for 72 days of bedrest (this varies from clinic to clinic).   Thankfully traffic wasn’t terrible and we made it home without someone cutting us off or just driving like a general idiot so it was pretty stress free.  I spent the next 2 weeks as relaxed as I could be with all of the crazy storms that rolled through and being nearly one year to the day of a tree crashing through our house while we were in it, I have some slight PTSD from that especially with a tree still looming overhead.  

May 5th I went in for the blood draw around 8 in the morning, then went home and waited.  My husband stayed home with me.  The phone rang about 11 am.  I picked up and it was the doctor on the other end and my heart fell, I knew that it did not work.  Before he even finished I’m sorry I was bawling and my husband was cradling me.  Call again when you are ready and we will talk about what happened.  Why us, haven’t we been through enough (I’ll re-post my old blog entries over here)?  Why must we go through this again?  We cried for 5 minutes or so and our pup (the black and white guy) ran into the trunk of the aforementioned tree head on making us bust out into laughter, it’s funny how they know when we need a good laugh.  We picked ourselves up and I got the biggest margarita I could order.  Mother’s day was that weekend and once again, I was barren…

It’s been one year today, one year to live, one year to learn, one year to yearn, one year to grow, one year to discover that failure is not the worst thing that can happen to us.  Our love has grown and we have met many great people on this road.  I would not change that for anything.  It’s hard at times to see the beauty through the heartbreak, to see the rainbows after the tornado of emotions that tear at your heart.  You must pick yourself up and carry on, you must remember that you are not alone, that it is ok to be sad, that you do all you can to make it through this thing called life.