You know, you can find about anything on the web. In the infertility world it can dominate your day sometimes. “I’ll get to that laundry after I read this article on what foods will ensure implantation.” “Dinner’s done, but I need to finish researching dairy vs no dairy and implantation.” Talk about time consuming or brain draining, or 17 other problems that you may or may not imagine. At the same time you get to meet infertility friends. Something connects you through the years and miles. You may not understand all their pain, but you understand some and they understand yours. You can jump on and gripe about another failed cycle and scream and cry and they’ve been there. Maybe not in the same capacity, but they know. I remember starting this journey I was on a chat group. Those ladies held me together, I like to think I held them together. All but myself and one other went on to have their baby. One woman had tried for 3 years, 3 years of heartache and tears. Her mother died of cancer and even with her wonky cycles and dealing with the loss, her miracle was conceived the same month she lost her mother. I remember thinking at the time (in my naivety), “I think my DH (dear husband) would have to put me in the looney bin if we go over a year and half.” Here we are 7 years later… So far I’ve managed to stay out of the asylum (somehow). We watch the kids around us grow and we are stuck in purgatory still. Still dreaming, still fighting with all we have, knowing that the next time will be our last, then it’s not. Then we “fail” again. We thought for sure once I got knocked up it would be it, my body would figure out what to do from there. The universe once again put us in our place and let us know she’s in control. Now I approach the FET with donor embryos. Embryos someone else worked so hard to develop and my typical pre-transfer panic has begun. I’ll be fine (thanks to meditation and a Hakuna-Matata attitude) by Friday, but for now I worry. Is my lining thick enough? It was 7.2 today and Friday. Why didn’t it grow? It has a beautiful trilaminear appearance which only seemed to look better today than Friday. Blood flow looked great in the cavity. I don’t like that my first transfer cycle it was 7.2, that’s my issue, that’s my malfunction. That transfer was also a Monday, it failed. Yes the siblings of these embryos produced healthy beautiful babies and this is completely different. It would not be IVF if there wasn’t something to freak me out. I have been reassured and told by those who know a hell of a lot more than I do that all is well. For now I’ll deal with the hurting girls and mentally get myself prepared for Monday. I know that the trilamenear appearance is much more important and just so that it is over 7, it will be good. I had a friend get pregnant with a lining below 7 so that is not the issue, just the stalling out. Nobody seemed concerned with the fact I stalled at the office (including the doctor). When I asked about it stalling out they said they see it all the time and it ends in positives. I’d just rather see that 7.8 I had before my November transfer. Infertility is such a bitch can’t one thing be simple?!
So today I start the estrogens, aka the hard stuff. I say that relatively since this is not a retrieval but an FET. I’m ready to get this party started and live in a dream world for the rest of my life. Every moment I was pregnant for the entire 7 weeks, it was a dream, the happiest dream I’ve had. Nausea? I was grinning ear to ear. Exhausted? Loving every minute of it. Going potty every 35 minutes? Never been more happy. I will enjoy every moment this time around even though I know until we see a heartbeat I’ll be guarded. I know this will work, this is what was written in the stars for us. We gain new friends (family) and get to raise our babies side by side. Until then I’ll take my estrace and inject my rump with estradiol valerate. Bonus, I have an actual office now so no running to the restroom to “shoot up”. It always kind of grossed me out having to do that. I mean, its a bathroom and I’m sticking a needle in my muscles, not talking one of those dinky needles you use for sub-Q, but a one that would give someone with a needle phobia a heart attack. They use a smaller gauge to get blood from me. Thank goodness no one in my house has a needle phobia. Like everything, there will be rough roads but we are ready for those. We just need to get over the transfer and first trimester hump.
I had to stay behind because I have to take off too many days in the coming month, but my husband is headed to MO to check in with the family. They didn’t need the wild boys there anyway, they can be a little overwhelming on occasionally. I’ll just clean up the house and start figuring out the food plan for the first trimester. Anything to help out the husband (and me) and keep us from eating out since I have the gluten thing going on. I’ll need to pick up some containers for soups so that I can freeze them for lunch. I may even get the wild hair and make my chicken noodle soup now. I found a recipe to make the “family recipe” egg noodles paleo, which is freaking amazing!!!! Talk about healthy and still a comfort food!!! I think it’s supposed to rain most of the weekend so I’ll just have to suck it up and mop anyway. At least I can keep the small one entertained by the tv. He likes the pet collective channel. Nothing else I can take them both on a walk in between the downpours.
No idea what happened to this one but alas here it is again.
Today is the day we got our calendar. Waiting in the room to go back so I can have my USI done and go over everything with the doctor. The nurse asked the couple in front of us if they are ready to see their baby(ies). It will be their first visual of their little one. My heart flutters and I instantly want to run and cry. I remember that day, that feeling, that never-ending smile. She’s reading a book about pregnancy. The joy, the glow the never ending happiness. That will forever be lost for us in a guarded world until we see that first heartbeat and hold our babies. I want to mumble a congratulations but I feel myself choking up and I never get it out. Infertility is a bitch and there is nothing more to say about it than that. It does not discriminate it does not give s damn how good of a person you may be, how amazing you may be as a parent, it strikes out of nowhere and takes you down, breaks you.
So on to the USI (ultrasound sonohysterograph) procedure. Once I was ready, the doctor came in and tried to put the usual catheter they use for the procedure my cervix was not cooperating. I have cysts on my cervix, most women do. However, one of my cysts is so large the doctor commented about the size of it and bonus, it was blocking the entry to my damn uterus for the catheter to inject the saline solution. So they switch over to the catheter they use for the actual transfer which has a smaller diameter. This one went right in. Quick and over, no fibroids or other concerns to worry about so we’re good to go for our transfer prep. I’ve never been tested for autoimmune issues or the MTHFR mutation (I’ve asked in the past but since I hadn’t been pregnant all was pushed off to be MFI and not my problem-most likely), I asked again and I go in for that testing Monday. Hopefully it comes back clear and I’m good. If not at least we’ll know what we need to do to combat any issues I may have (if any). No matter what we’ll feel better checking that off the list. Unfortunately it will be around another freaking grand. Absolute bullshit that NOTHING is covered. We’ll do anything we can to make sure that we make it to our end goal and I don’t want to (can’t handle) another miscarriage especially if it was an autoimmune issue we didn’t test for. There are many, many things science is good for, this is definitely one of them. These babies are a gift to us and we are lucky to have the opportunity to love them. Doing the math, my blood test will be on or the day after the due date of my miscarriage. We have a hearing at work scheduled right after we get our blood test done. Good thing is, these hearings are pretty interesting and I can’t wander around as much as I usually do so resting will be easy. Dinner and cleaning will be the difficult part, but I’ll just put the crockpot and husband to work (love you, babe!). I’ll have to arrive at work a little early which will be rough considering I know how tired I was last time, but I can make anything work. That’s how we roll. If I get time I’ll work on getting those other blog posts up, I have around 15 to go (I think). Work has been busy lately, good busy but busy. Bonus today, I did get to play with 9 month old twins and hopefully I can make it to play with more twins this weekend.
I’m ready to get this show on the road. I began Leupron injections Monday. I had my scratch test on Tuesday. I don’t know if my uterus is extra sensitive or what the deal is, but it does not like this test. I take Tylenol before I go in and it doesn’t put a dent in the pain. Because I cramp up so bad after and it lingers for the day I took the rest of the day off. I was able to play with the twins. It’s crazy to think they’re 3 months, and that next year I’ll be holding my own. 💕I received my APA, NK and MTHFR results and all are negative! That is some of the best news we’ve received in this entire process. It was getting a little hairy for a bit waiting on the NK results. They were supposed to be in before the APA panel, but they ended up coming in at the same time as the MTHFR results (twice the amount of time the website states). With endo, I was most likely to come back with the NK cells activated. So it’s official that I have done all I could do to not be the problem. My last birth control was Wednesday and I know my body was ready for that. Mentally I’m ready to move forward. I didn’t figure it would take long for period day 1, and I was right. She’s here only 1.5 days after stopping the pill. Now for my official calendar. July 29th I’ll start the estrogens with 2 u/s and blood work before the transfer July 17th. That lines up my official blood test for July 27th, which was my due date for my miscarriage. I feel so good about this, so many good things are happening, so much love to give. My friend who has donated these babies to us had her transfer exactly 11 months prior. I call her schedule the “good luck schedule” and I’m following in her footsteps.
In other news. We had a mild tropical storm come through, unfortunately I know farther east it had much more rain then we had and I hate that for them, but we didn’t need it. I had some panicked friends who flooded in August and I don’t blame them with drainage being blocked still due to overwhelmed public services as well as difficulty getting to some of the blockages, and just regular PTSD when the heavy rains come down. I understand. No matter how much logic you tell yourself if you’ve been through something like that it wears on you and can give you fears. My older dog (Ryker) has not been acting near as nutty, well at least not until this past Sunday. I was at the neighbor’s with him and a storm brewed up pretty quickly and it was a noisy one. By the end of it, he was on my lap with his head buried. His brother always tries to make him feel better which usually ends up making it worse, thankfully he was distracted by my neighbors’ dog. They have a tree over their house so I’m not sure if that is why he was acting like a nut or if he’ll be a chicken for life (understood, we did have a tree crash through our house during a storm). But they are so sweet!
This post is from July 20, 2012
Once again, I start another cycle. It’s like Groundhog Day but worse. You live through the motions of every month, but you can’t have fun with it. Once again, someone else is expecting. No matter how happy you might be for them, you don’t want to watch that belly grow, you don’t want to see what you’ve been trying to achieve for over a year. The worst thing is that I will be waiting more and more… Admitting that you need help is hard and we’ve hit the point that we need it. An appointment will be scheduled with an RE and we’ll go from there.
In other worlds I fell flew off my bike. I grossly miscalculated a corner and hit a poorly created road and WHAM!!! Next thing I knew the bike was in the street 5 feet away from me and I had blood gushing from my eye. The grass couldn’t be bothered to assist in my fall, just the sidewalk. My husband’s phone of course was not behaving the night before and the battery had been removed. Of course there are neighbors to beat on the door… Or not, one of those when you need someone the most you can’t find them situations. The home phone was not behaving either so I called my chiropractor, since that’s where I was headed to and he came to get me. When I got home my husband was up since I had called the home phone repeatably (we need to go buy a new one) and he knew something was up. I think his heart sank since it looked horrible, I just happened to be wearing a white shirt with a gaping head wound it looked like it was actually red, that is until you looked at the back. 2 hours in the waiting room at the ER, a CT Scan and 4 stitches later, nothing’s broken (they thought that I broke my suborbital bone). All in a good day…
Healing has been a lesson in asking for help, that is for sure. I hate to not be able to do stuff for myself, however, put my hands together and you have one good hand. The right one looks like hamburger and the left one has “issues”. Not sure if it is jammed or just severely bruised. Time will tell. Overall the damage was minimal and I’m happy to once again be told “You have a hard head.” Yup, hard headed that’s me. It’s what pushes me through the worst of it. What pushes me out the door when I want to sit in bed and cry, when I just want to hide. I should mention this was Saturday the 14th, I have had 2 car wrecks and 2 (recent) falls on the day after Friday the 13th. I can tell you what I’ll be doing September 14, 2013, staying home!!!
The stitches came out yesterday and the doctor thought it was a healing beautifully and the hospital did a great job of shaving my eyebrow. Nope, Doc, all concrete. No razor was used in this creation, I’m that good. I’ve been exhausted but I do know how to take care of some wounds.
I couldn’t believe that my fertility chart was actually amazing this month even with a crash and burn. Stress should cause a saw-tooth pattern, however, my chart was amazing, even went triphasic. Alas… 13 months of BFN (Big Fat Negative). It’s to the point I never expect to see it, those 2 glorious lines. How people who go through this for years, even decades I don’t know. Each month is like a new day, by the end of the month you are so ready for that positive you can taste it and you believe it, you believe it is there. You even start imaging another line only to realize you’ve lost your mind. Onward ho to the next month, Groundhog Day, over and over again you repeat. You continue to have hope, you continue to dream, eventually you choose to not run races because they are kid oriented, you start dreading baby showers. Yes it’s selfish, but there is only so much a person can take at once. It is always worst the first half of the cycle. Once ovulation occurs, you have new hope, new dreams. Here’s to starting back at one and going on. I love my husband and without his love, I’d be nuts (still debatable). One to next month, maybe we’ll get it right.
Sorry if this is scatter-brained, I did hit my head, LOL!
This post is originally from June 27, 2012. Funny how little things seem to have changed in 5 years, but yet how so much has changed.
As with running, you are always one step closer to your goal. Positive thinking can do a lot, but there are so many days that you just can’t deal with the outside world. Those days are meant for a run and a little BB King. Yesterday was one of those days. When you are young, you think you’re invincible, then you grow up and sometimes that happens faster then you want. You do everything possible to be the best person you can be, you do everything possible to be good to yourself, then you get news, news that literally throws you back on your behind. Then the questions start…
Where did I go wrong?
Is that all that is wrong or are there more problems hidden?
Things that seemed so easy to obtain are so far away, and each month they seem to get farther and farther away. The doubt sinks in more and more, and it becomes so hard to keep your head up, to be strong. You’ve been here time and time again, and nothing came of it so why will this month be different? Then you get results that explain a little, but those results can’t be the full picture, in your gut you know there is more. All around you is happiness, all inside you is a great sadness. Think the great sadness from “The Never-ending Story”, ironic that is how I feel since it was a favorite movie growing up.
It is so easy to obtain, but yet, so difficult. There are options, not many and some with a huge burden. When you want something so bad you convince yourself of it month after month, where do you draw the line? Then there are people you love who don’t realize how bad things really are, they don’t realize how bad it hurts when there is a repeated failure and you have went over and beyond the call of duty to obtain your goal. There are others who pester you constantly, they don’t know your goal and they don’t know how far away it is for you. Exhaustion sets in, mentally, physically, you feel like its futile. You see the stories, get the results, start researching and then reality sinks in. First you cry, then you get mad and when I’m mad I don’t stop until I achieve my goal. I will obtain my goal. Some days are better than others, the disappointment gets easier because your hopes dwindle more and more, but in the end no matter what you are one step closer to your goal. A problem has been solved and in solving a problem you obtain a form of solution. It might be next week before that solution is confirmed, it could be 3 months from now, maybe even longer thing is you keep walking, keep your head up and jump in when you need to swim, every movement forward is one step closer. I will achieve my goal!
So we have news! Since the monthly visitor decided to make my last week absolute hell it’s only justified. I have my 3rd, and please whomever is in charge of this insanity, my last HSI, June 9th. Transfer day will be the week of July 17th which will put the blood test right before our 7 year anniversary and the due date of my miscarriage. I keep wondering if this is really happening? I do not look forward to the scratch test, the last time I laid on the chair for at least a minute in shear pain (so who would?). Apparently this is not an unusual reaction, but also is not typical. Whatever it was it worked and I will do whatever it takes to make this work and stick. Not only is this the beginning of a new chapter, but we are being trusted with someone else’s treasure. I know the family blessing us with these babies does not think that way, but it still weighs. In reality, this is no different than my feelings for each of my embryos I transferred. You give your entire heart and soul to this process. You’re life revolves around each doctor appointment, each procedure, each call. These babies will be loved more than we can imagine. Beginning this weekend my life will begin to revolve around them. I begin the downregulation process with birth control pills. I’ll be on them until late June which after aunt flow this month I am pretty excited about. My back has been screaming at me since Sunday and the migraine that was triggered Monday left me immobile. I am not sure if my endo is getting worse (affecting different parts of the body) or if I am still recovering from the miscarriage or some combination of the two. I’ve been fortunate that my endo is not what I would call terrible (even though it was stage 3). The worst has been the organs that it affects. It was removed from my ovaries, bladder, bowl and uterers and thinking back that explains a lot. Like the sudden and instantaneous urge to use the restroom during my cycle, no warnings just sharp cramps and if I am not near a restroom a potential mess. With it being on my ovaries, that explains the DOR and poor quality eggs I have dealt with.
I have this weekend to work on my house. My husband is working all weekend so I get to clean, possibly see some friends who are rebuilding after the floods, attend an Orange Theory Class and plan the menu for the next week and hopefully I’ll be able to transfer over some of the old blog posts. Monday morning I go in to check for viral immunity. In the past I was no longer immune to ruebella and I had to go in and get revaccinated for MMR. It’s one of those extra things they check you for in the world of infertility. They want you to be as healthy and as low-risk as feasibly possible. Sometimes things just can’t be prevented. I know these have been a little on the rambling side, once I get the old posts up they should become more focused. Enjoy your weekend, I hope it’s a good one!