I just need my brain to stop, to shut up. Meditation is helping, but if I miss it I’m up most of the night (last night…). I can’t imagine the next 2 months will be any better. I’m focusing on the positive, it is what I have to look forward to. I was gearing up to start my Leupron this time last year in preparation for the transfer of our last genetic chance. To go through infertility and to get pregnant is a dream come true. To lose that child is beyond my worst imagined dreams. To all of the mothers who have lost, you are not alone. We will go through this and it’s ok to grieve. I will never forget the way the doctor looked at me as I was staring at the empty screen knowing what was about to come out of his mouth. He strategically placed himself in front of the screen so I didn’t have to see it anymore. I break down every time I replay that scene, the gut wrenching agony of our hearts being ripped straight out of our chests. It doesn’t matter how you join this undesirable club, you are loved, you will get through and you will find your way. Anniversaries are the hardest and not even being a year out it is all still fresh. The wounds will heal and we’ll deal better every year. That scar will still be there to sting it will always be there, it is part of your story, part of you.