Broken

6dp5dt: negative HPT FRER

7dp5dt: I feel broken at this point tests are negative using the gold standard (FRER). My beta is Thursday.  There is still time if this is a late implantation.  More than anything I’m frustrated because I have all the symptoms I had with my first (and only positive).  Nausea, decreased appetite, gas, indigestion, cramping in odd places, crazy dreams every night, and waking up early.  Both dogs are stuck to me like glue, yet still negative.  I don’t know how to handle this.  Not only do I feel completely broken, but I feel that I failed these embryos, these embryos that were gifted to us, our friends that gifted them to us.  Was it my lining?  Something else?  Not out yet, just a few storm clouds on the horizon.

8dp5dt: negative FRER Hot flashes, VIVID dreams, waking up at crazy hours of the night and not being able to go back to sleep, extreme thirst.

9dp5dt:  Hot flashes, VIVID dreams, waking up at crazy hours of the night and not being able to go back to sleep, extreme thirst.

10dp5dt: HCG blood test <2, negative.  What do we do now? Do we put our names back in the hat for more donor embryos?  Do we just give up?  Right now I am too broken to think, too frustrated to know where to go.  Both of us are.  My symptoms started late and I was hopeful that maybe I’d have a low beta, but I would have a a beta, not 0.   Today was our due date for our miscarriage.  I should have been holding a child if not already soon.  This heartbreak is too much.  What is meant to be is not an answer, it is not a solution, it is giving up, but what else do you do?  Where do you go from here?  Unless someone knows a way to get through adoption without a home study.  Our WTF happened appointment is late August.  Until then we have time to think. For now I’ll be broken, my uterus let the embryos down.  I believe my lining is to blame, it will be brought up at our consult.

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Author: laugheduntilwecriedblog

Just a geologist trying to get knocked up. Dealing with DOR, endometriosis, thyroid and MFI. Adoption is not an option for us unfortunately and giving up is not in our nature so we will just go broke.

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