Those who want to know

You know, you can find about anything on the web.  In the infertility world it can dominate your day sometimes.  “I’ll get to that laundry after I read this article on what foods will ensure implantation.”  “Dinner’s done, but I need to finish researching dairy vs no dairy and implantation.”  Talk about time consuming or brain draining, or 17 other problems that you may or may not imagine.  At the same time you get to meet infertility friends.  Something connects you through the years and miles.  You may not understand all their pain, but you understand some and they understand yours.  You can jump on and gripe about another failed cycle and scream and cry and they’ve been there.  Maybe not in the same capacity, but they know. I remember starting this journey I was on a chat group.  Those ladies held me together, I like to think I held them together.  All but myself and one other went on to have their baby.  One woman had tried for 3 years, 3 years of heartache and tears.  Her mother died of cancer and even with her wonky cycles and dealing with the loss, her miracle was conceived the same month she lost her mother.  I remember thinking at the time (in my naivety), “I think my DH (dear husband) would have to put me in the looney bin if we go over a year and half.”  Here we are 7 years later…  So far I’ve managed to stay out of the asylum (somehow).  We watch the kids around us grow and we are stuck in purgatory still.  Still dreaming, still fighting with all we have, knowing that the next time will be our last, then it’s not.  Then we “fail” again.  We thought for sure once I got knocked up it would be it, my body would figure out what to do from there.  The universe once again put us in our place and let us know she’s in control.  Now I approach the FET with donor embryos.  Embryos someone else worked so hard to develop and my typical pre-transfer panic has begun.  I’ll be fine (thanks to meditation and a Hakuna-Matata attitude) by Friday, but for now I worry.  Is my lining thick enough?  It was 7.2 today and Friday.  Why didn’t it grow?  It has a beautiful trilaminear appearance which only seemed to look better today than Friday.  Blood flow looked great in the cavity.  I don’t like that my first transfer cycle it was  7.2, that’s my issue, that’s my malfunction.  That transfer was also a Monday, it failed.  Yes the siblings of these embryos produced healthy beautiful babies and this is completely different.  It would not be IVF if there wasn’t something to freak me out.  I have been reassured and told by those who know a hell of a lot more than I do that all is well.  For now I’ll deal with the hurting girls and mentally get myself prepared for Monday.  I know that the trilamenear appearance is much more important and just so that it is over 7, it will be good.  I had a friend get pregnant with a lining below 7 so that is not the issue, just the stalling out.  Nobody seemed concerned with the fact I stalled at the office (including the doctor).  When I asked about it stalling out they said they see it all the time and it ends in positives.  I’d just rather see that 7.8 I had before my November transfer.  Infertility is such a bitch can’t one thing be simple?!

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Author: laugheduntilwecriedblog

Just a geologist trying to get knocked up. Dealing with DOR, endometriosis, thyroid and MFI. Adoption is not an option for us unfortunately and giving up is not in our nature so we will just go broke.

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